How Growing Up Closeted Impacts Anxiety in Adulthood

For many LGBTQ+ individuals, growing up in the closet wasn’t just about hiding an identity—it was about constantly managing fear, rejection, and survival.

Whether you stayed closeted due to:

• A conservative or religious upbringing

• Fear of bullying or social rejection

• The belief that being gay was “wrong” or “abnormal”

• A lack of safe spaces or supportive role models

The long-term impact doesn’t simply disappear after coming out. Anxiety, self-doubt, and emotional suppression can linger for years.

Even if you’re now out and proud, you may still struggle with:

• Overanalyzing social interactions, fearing judgment.

• Feeling like you have to prove yourself to be accepted.

• Struggling to trust others with emotional intimacy.

• Experiencing self-doubt or impostor syndrome in relationships or work.

These struggles aren’t just random personality traits—they are the result of years spent living in survival mode. Understanding how growing up closeted affects adult anxiety can help you recognize patterns, heal emotional wounds, and move toward self-acceptance.

How Growing Up Closeted Shapes Anxiety in Adulthood

1. Chronic Hypervigilance & Fear of Rejection

As a closeted child or teen, you may have spent years:
🚨 Watching your words and mannerisms to avoid being “outed.”
🚨 Scanning for signs of danger, judgment, or disapproval.
🚨 Feeling like you had to constantly “prove” you were “normal.”

This level of constant self-monitoring rewires the brain to stay on high alert, creating chronic anxiety even in adulthood.

Signs you may still struggle with hypervigilance:
⚠️ Overanalyzing conversations for signs of judgment.
⚠️ Feeling uneasy in new social environments.
⚠️ Struggling to fully relax, even in LGBTQ+-friendly spaces.

Even if your environment is now safe, your nervous system may still react as if it’s not.

2. Emotional Suppression Becomes a Default Coping Mechanism

Growing up closeted often means learning to suppress emotions like:
❌ Sadness (“I can’t show that I’m struggling.”)
❌ Excitement (“What if they find out why I’m happy?”)
❌ Love (“I can’t let people know who I have a crush on.”)

When authentic self-expression is consistently repressed, emotions become difficult to access, trust, or express in adulthood.

Signs you may still struggle with emotional suppression:
⚠️ Shutting down instead of expressing sadness or frustration.
⚠️ Feeling disconnected from your own emotions.
⚠️ Avoiding deep emotional conversations in relationships.

3. Perfectionism & the Need to Overcompensate

Many closeted kids feel pressure to be perfect to avoid criticism.

This often manifests as:
🚨 Overachieving in school or work to prove worth.
🚨 People-pleasing to avoid conflict or disapproval.
🚨 Striving for a “perfect” body, career, or social status to compensate for past rejection.

As adults, this perfectionism fuels high-functioning anxiety, burnout, and a fear of failure.

Signs you may still struggle with perfectionism:
⚠️ You feel like you must “earn” love and validation.
⚠️ You fear failure, even in safe environments.
⚠️ You struggle to accept that you are enough as you are.

4. Difficulty Trusting Others & Fear of Vulnerability

Growing up closeted teaches you to hide parts of yourself—which can lead to:

• Difficulty trusting others with emotional intimacy.

• Fear of being “too much” in relationships.

• Struggling to be vulnerable, even with close friends or partners.

Instead of feeling safe opening up, you may instinctively:
🚪 Keep people at arm’s length.
💬 Keep conversations surface-level.
😶 Struggle to articulate your deeper needs and feelings.

Even in loving relationships, you may find yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop—because deep down, you learned that being yourself wasn’t always safe.

5. Internalized Homophobia & Self-Doubt

Growing up in a society where heterosexuality was the “default” can lead to:

• Shame or discomfort about your own identity.

• Fear that you’ll never be “good enough” in relationships.

• Doubting whether you truly deserve happiness.

Even if you’re out and confident, traces of internalized homophobia can linger, shaping self-perception, self-worth, and dating experiences.

Signs you may still struggle with internalized homophobia:
⚠️ Feeling like you have to “prove” your masculinity or desirability.
⚠️ Downplaying your identity in certain spaces.
⚠️ Feeling disconnected from LGBTQ+ communities due to past shame.

How to Heal from the Anxiety of Growing Up Closeted

1. Recognize That Your Anxiety Was a Survival Response

Instead of blaming yourself for being anxious, try reframing:
💡 “My brain and body were protecting me when I didn’t feel safe.”
💡 “My anxiety is not a weakness—it’s a response to past experiences.”
💡 “Now that I’m in a safer space, I can learn new ways to navigate the world.”

Your younger self did what was necessary to survive. Now, as an adult, you have the power to rebuild a sense of safety.

2. Learn to Regulate Your Nervous System

Since growing up closeted often leads to chronic hypervigilance, working on nervous system regulation can help reduce anxiety.

Try:
🫁 Deep breathing exercises (inhale for 4, exhale for 6).
🎵 The Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP) to shift from stress mode to safety.
🏃 Gentle movement or stretching to release stored tension.

When your body feels safe, your mind follows.

3. Rebuild Trust in Yourself & Others

Since growing up closeted often teaches self-doubt and secrecy, the key to healing is rebuilding self-trust and relational trust.

Ways to do this:
💙 Practice self-validation (“My feelings and needs are important.”)
💙 Be intentional about safe relationships (surround yourself with affirming people).
💙 Express vulnerability in small, safe ways (with trusted friends, therapists, or partners).

4. Challenge Perfectionism & Self-Worth Struggles

Instead of thinking:
❌ “I have to be perfect to be loved.”
❌ “If I’m not successful, I don’t matter.”

Reframe it as:
✅ “I am valuable because of who I am, not what I achieve.”
✅ “I don’t have to prove my worth—I am already enough.”

You don’t have to earn your place in the world. You already belong.

You Deserve to Feel Safe & Whole

Growing up closeted wasn’t easy—but it doesn’t have to define your future.

By understanding how past experiences shaped anxiety, rebuilding trust in yourself, and learning new ways to feel safe in your identity, you can move toward self-acceptance, confidence, and emotional freedom.

If anxiety from growing up closeted feels overwhelming, LGBTQ+ therapy can help you heal, process past experiences, and build resilience.

You are not broken. You are becoming whole.